My flight left on Sunday evening so the family and I went down early to visit Brent's sister Jennifer. Of course Jennifer lives 15 minutes from Disneyland so it was necessary to spend our time in the happiest place on earth. Sunday was spent down the street at the beach roasting hot dogs for lunch.
I am a raging ball of anxiety. I'm not a good flier. I have to spend 17 hours on planes just to get to Africa. Many of those hours will be spent flying over large bodies of water. And then I'll spend 2 weeks away from my family. I beg Brent to drop me off at the curb by the terminal, a quick goodbye like tearing off a Band-Aid but the kids insist on coming in with me. When we finally say goodbye at the security gate it's tearful for each of us.
I've come to realize that while I may appear to some to have grown into an easy going and carefree gal, I am constantly engaged in an internal game of 'Would You Rather.' or in my case 'Is It Worth It?' If Brent and I head out of town and leave the kids in the capable hands of friends, is it worth the risk that we may die in a fiery car crash leaving them orphans? I can easily rationalize this choice with knowing that Brent and I need time alone together to keep our relationship strong and ourselves sane. It's really not a choice, it's a must. So this whim of mine to head to Africa is really making it hard for me to win the game. I have no widely recognized reasons to fall back on such as, I have to go for work or I'm traveling with my husband or family. It's just me. It's just my adventure. My constant trading of emotional currency like an internal stock exchange is wearying on me.
Everything this week has felt like a final goodbye. I envision my plane crashing over the Atlantic ocean. My bus careening over the side of a mountain while Bob Marley plays on the radio. At the very least I'll miss my sweet family and hope they won't be miserable while I'm away. Or even worse, that they'll prefer it.
My flight leaves at 9pm. The cabin is sprinkled with passengers but I have an entire row to myself. The cabin is dark and I'm alone so I sob to myself. I remind myself how selfish I am. Flitting off as if it's the same as running to the grocery store. Only now do I let myself submerge into the doubt and ridiculousness of the this decision.
So I indulge in my tears in the darkened, mostly empty cabin. I allow myself to feel insane amounts of unjustified guilt. I pray nothing will go wrong. I have faith that all will be well. I hope that my family knows that I love them more than anything. I love them more than Africa.Labels: Ethiopia